being yourself – axon.space

Age

3. Oktober 2023 Keine Kommentare

A little over two years have passed since my last post and, boy, a lot has happened! Different job, different relationships, different city, different hobbies (kind of), and a whole lot of thoughts. Alas — if you followed me so far you might have noticed a pattern — those questions seem very familiar, and the corresponding feelings as well. And, coincidentally, something new happens which seems scary! Did you ever imagine to take four weeks off and do something that you know you love? And do it all day? And do it in such a way that you don’t do almost anything else?

If you happen to be at least in your 30s, then the following thought may have crossed your mind:

I’m too old for thing like this.
A whole bunch of people throughout history.

Oopsie. Really?! Why would I ever think THAT?! I kid you not, as that is a sentence I decided a long time ago, that I would never think it. What happened? And here the journey starts again. Okay, let’s see: what is so scary about it? Well, for starters, what happens to all I have achieved so far? What about my responsibilities? It’s really expensive, though, is it not? Is it really the right thing? Will I be able to carry it into my life after the four weeks? Shouldn’t it be an investment well made, and I’m doubting it? Etc., etc.

And then I think about all of that, and the answers are right there. But the feeling is not swayed by cognition. Maybe I need to dig deeper? What do all those questions have in common? Let me rephrase all of them: will I be able to keep everything as is, even though I want some change, and at the same time change permanently, and not just temporarily? Oh dear. Did the comfort zone expand so much, that I don’t want to leave it anymore? Am I indeed too old for this?

There we go. I guess I’m not too old, I just tricked myself into doubting that I can in fact do it, if I want to. I’m happy I found that contradiction: I can’t do business as usual and change permanently at the same time. Which path should I choose? At this point it’s almost painfully obvious. There is another factor I’d like to put a spotlight on, though. Realizing all of that, being honest with yourself, and mounting energy to make a difficult decision, works way better with supportive people.

So, big shout out to my friends, family, partner, colleagues, neighbors, and everybody else, who is so conducive to my life, consciously or not. I’m happy to be in it with all of you, and I hope I’m giving back as well. And to my dear reader: should you ever be in a situation where you feel like life is scary, look around, talk to people (if they want to support you in your quest for clarity), and don’t think you can’t. Because even people you don’t know (yet?) can be just the right listeners. I’m sure you will find them. ☀️

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Reset

28. September 2021 Keine Kommentare

When you immerge into life you slowly but surely start narrowing your focus. Work, family, hobbies, your beloved restaurant. A lot gets automated by that super-smart system every one of us possesses: the brain. And that’s good, right? We get more efficient, more productive, can maintain healthy habits better, and much more. Thanks to our amazing capacity to follow the flow we truly can achieve what we want.

Now, why are you reading an article about resetting then? Well, though we can achieve what we want if we use what we’ve got, what we actually want changes from time to time. I don’t mean the changes brought to you by your very dearest mood swings or some good or bad periods. I mean more profound changes that stem from your personal development, that sneak into your life just because you live it as actively as you do it.

So you drive down the same highway day by day (which is not a bad thing, as we established), but there is a feeling that starts to emerge. Is it the thermostat? Maybe the tire pressure? Did someone adjust the mirror? Or maybe — just maybe — it’s time to change direction? Unfortunately you can’t really tell. You are so busy driving, listening to the news, answering calls, planning dinner and all that other stuff that’s got space in your life.

Now, how can you actually find out what that itch is, what change might be due? Well, have you tried turning it off and on again? Sometimes, just like our electronic fellas, we need a reset to stop endlessly looping processes, un-stuck programs, free up resources and see clear again. Literally: have you ever wondered why you contemplate the same things over and over again? And no, just because that situation with your boss was slightly different than the last one, it doesn’t change the fact that you are stuck in some loop with your train of thoughts. And you can’t see the same switch appearing over and over again, because you are focused on driving.

Well, why should you bother, you ask? Maybe it’s supposed to be that way, maybe it will lead you to some end? Maybe you think you should try harder driving, as I did so many times? You can. I’d recommend, though, that from time to time you give yourself a reset. Give yourself space to re-discover yourself. Grant yourself the opportunity to dive deeper into being. Make yourself the present of caring for your soul, that part of ourselves that we so often ignore in our everyday lives.

And how do we do that? That’s the easy and at the same time the hard part: give yourself time to do nothing. To not consume anything, to not do anything. Just be. That can be micro-resetting during minutes or hours of meditation. That can be a rest-and-digest reset during that one Sunday every month, where you fast, have a long walk in nature, and consume nothing but the enchanting view of a candle flame. Some call it dopamine detox. Or maybe you go the full reset and take a week off, during which you do some sort of Vision Quest.

All of the above can transform your life to what you actually want, or to what it’s supposed to be when living your life to the fullest. At least that’s my experience. At the preparation of my first Vision Quest we were told that it takes only 3 days into the Quest to fully strip off civilization. Indeed. And then you get to experience your soul, your inner animal, the dragonflame burning in your heart. And you can re-connect with that part of yourself, and see what course correction is due. And then you can come back to your life, and make it even better!

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In pursuit of addiction

25. Mai 2019 Keine Kommentare

Sheet with cut out star with a clif and bay background

Community, Workplace Culture, Peer Group, Sports Club. For a long time I believed that these social constructs are there to control the behavior of the people engaged in them. In exchange for some kind of security these constructs take your individuality — just like a tribe rewards alikeness and punishes unlikeness to introduce a static formal aspect of security and induces a feeling of safety when staying with the tribe. And maybe that’s true, or it is just because I have experienced rejection a lot, as I „did not fit in“.

Recently the notion of „fitting in“ started to paint pictures in my mind. To that day I struggle, I do not fit in, I feel anger and energy pouring away from me when I try. I did not manage to „fit in“ without using myself to do so. And the notion of becoming part of that homogeneity scares me. And I am not entirely sure whether or not I have to take part in such a group, or if there are other ways. What could be alternatives?

Let’s compare humans to molecules: they can be serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, etc. And we form groups in creating structures where these molecules can dock on receptors to become part of them. The receptors are only receptive to certain kinds of molecules — those which fit in. Now: the idea seems quite intriguing! To have an awesome life I just have to surround myself with all that happy hormones, and look into not attracting cortisol or something else less „fitting“. Good vibes only, right? So I build this receptors very specific. And then cocaine joins the group. Meow! What a great fit! It seems like this one is a very special dopaminee. In fact: he spreads so much love there, that everyone wants to be around him all the time. And when having this project with carefully picked acetylcholine receptors, nicotine can be quite a source for chaos, though she seems to enrich the group, providing care and relief.

Looking for the right fit for the group proofs to be very difficult. In pursuit of creating a stable and static homogeneous environment, blind spots are introduced and the mono-cultures become exposed to antagonists and false agonists alike. Living in a cage, where the floor is made of bars, too. It does not protect against moskitos. It does not enable to dance in it. It is not meant to be expanded. It’s meant to be broken — one way or the other. What happens with human bodies when they are exposed to such conditions? What happens to the people who expose their bodies to such conditions? Where do they fit in? Broader society? Funny, isn’t it.

It seems to me that creating the same misdirecting sense of security on the outside which we experience on the inside is inherently flawed. I don’t believe it’s a bad thing either, as it helps us to cope with life and all its‘ complexity. I do believe that it’s merely a stepping stone, and that the future will bring dynamic and heterogeneous groups to life, there not form is central to its‘ purpose, but something else. I don’t know, yet. I just believe, and I follow the feeling that I need to explore this.