transformation – axon.space

Age

A little over two years have passed since my last post and, boy, a lot has happened! Different job, different relationships, different city, different hobbies (kind of), and a whole lot of thoughts. Alas — if you followed me so far you might have noticed a pattern — those questions seem very familiar, and the corresponding feelings as well. And, coincidentally, something new happens which seems scary! Did you ever imagine to take four weeks off and do something that you know you love? And do it all day? And do it in such a way that you don’t do almost anything else?

If you happen to be at least in your 30s, then the following thought may have crossed your mind:

I’m too old for thing like this.
A whole bunch of people throughout history.

Oopsie. Really?! Why would I ever think THAT?! I kid you not, as that is a sentence I decided a long time ago, that I would never think it. What happened? And here the journey starts again. Okay, let’s see: what is so scary about it? Well, for starters, what happens to all I have achieved so far? What about my responsibilities? It’s really expensive, though, is it not? Is it really the right thing? Will I be able to carry it into my life after the four weeks? Shouldn’t it be an investment well made, and I’m doubting it? Etc., etc.

And then I think about all of that, and the answers are right there. But the feeling is not swayed by cognition. Maybe I need to dig deeper? What do all those questions have in common? Let me rephrase all of them: will I be able to keep everything as is, even though I want some change, and at the same time change permanently, and not just temporarily? Oh dear. Did the comfort zone expand so much, that I don’t want to leave it anymore? Am I indeed too old for this?

There we go. I guess I’m not too old, I just tricked myself into doubting that I can in fact do it, if I want to. I’m happy I found that contradiction: I can’t do business as usual and change permanently at the same time. Which path should I choose? At this point it’s almost painfully obvious. There is another factor I’d like to put a spotlight on, though. Realizing all of that, being honest with yourself, and mounting energy to make a difficult decision, works way better with supportive people.

So, big shout out to my friends, family, partner, colleagues, neighbors, and everybody else, who is so conducive to my life, consciously or not. I’m happy to be in it with all of you, and I hope I’m giving back as well. And to my dear reader: should you ever be in a situation where you feel like life is scary, look around, talk to people (if they want to support you in your quest for clarity), and don’t think you can’t. Because even people you don’t know (yet?) can be just the right listeners. I’m sure you will find them. ☀️

Transformation Part I: The Very First Step

Person staying inside a big building and looking thoughfully to the distance

When searching for „change“ or „transformation“, you can find an endless stream of blogs and videos and books out there. You can read about how to change, and how not to change. You can read about weight loss and weight gain, procrastination and addiction, neediness and habits. You can read about great people, and successful people, and their top 10 tactics and strategies to how they got to the top. You can read it all, and apparently there is a huge demand for content like this.

Having gone through — or at least pursued — change myself, I have read and watched and listened to a lot of content about that. And, indeed, some of it is really helpful: managing habits, fighting addiction, getting your act together, taking matters in your own hands, etc. Though, for some reason, these did not help me implementing sustainable change. Something was missing. A decision was not enough. White-knuckling was not enough. And for a long time I thought that I was not good enough in accepting the situation to really implement change. And what does it actually mean to accept the situation? Why it that important? Why should an addict first accept their addiction in order to then work on removing it? Why is it the first step? So many questions, so few answers.

I now think that there are multiple parts at play. Acceptance on an intellectual level allows to acknowledge the impact of current actions and thoughts on my life. It allows to get comfortable with myself, as I can now see a reason behind everything I do and think. It allows to create space. This space is what can be really valuable in the pursuit of change. It can be dangerous as well. There were countless moments where I was on the verge of giving up and getting even worse. A lot of relapses and breaks in the pursuit. Having that space can make you getting hostile against yourself, because it’s you who is sustaining your current situation.

Yes, it’s important to manage this. But I think there is one thing, which is maybe even more important. And it could be indeed the very first step. I experienced this transforming moment in a self-made retreat in Israel. I created space externally by just sitting around in my AirBnb and not doing anything. Just sitting on the couch and looking at the flat. When stripping away all the distractions, feelings start to show up. And listening to them is another level of acceptance. Acceptance on an emotional level happens, when you are sitting with yourself, and are open to how you feel about your life. This acceptance can reveal a powerful feeling. In my case it was a feeling of „being sick of it“. I noticed that the feeling was deep and strong, and that it was associated with a lot of the things I wanted to change. And I decided to use that feeling as an anchor. After all, feelings always trump rational thought, right?

After really diving deep into that feeling, it was easy to derive a plan, set dates, and just start into the transformation. More than 30 days in, I struggle with new things, but the progress didn’t stop. I’m still on track, and I’m very happy that I found this way. Sure, there was quite a long prelude to this success — and the sustainability is yet to be shown — but I feel confident right now. It actually feels easy, and somewhat exciting.

I want to devote this series to my transformation. This was the beginning, the key moment that kick-started a new chapter for me. Greatness Requires Foundation, and this is one path to go about it.